14: Confessions

Since my life has basically become a lot of waitressing, going to the gym, sleeping, eating, showering, rinse, repeat, I’ve been trying to think of something more interesting to write about today instead.  If I were in New York City right now, I’d feel just like Carrie Bradshaw, pondering life questions whilst typing on my Macbook late at night.

Anyway, I think it’s time to make things interesting tonight instead of rehashing my mostly uninteresting day (save for the couple of hours Nicole and I hung out, drank, and watched the season premiere of So You Think You Can Dance).  So, to make things more interesting, I think I’ll make a few confessions.  Honesty is the best policy, right?

CONFESSIONS

1) Sometimes, I wish I had grown up in a bigger city where I could have taken really intense dance classes.  My skill-set now would be more advanced, and I wouldn’t feel as behind in some areas.  I get these overwhelming pangs of adoration for dance sometimes where all I want to do is just be a dancer, but I know that for as much as I love it and appreciate it, it never completely satisfies my heart and soul the way music and acting do.

2) It weirds me out that I will be 25 years old in a little under 2 ½ years.  While I know that age is not old, I always have thought I’d have so much accomplished in my career by that time, and at age 22, I’ve yet to have my first professional acting gig.  It doesn’t help seeing other people my age working so much in movies (Emma Stone, Anton Yelchin, Daniel Radcliffe, etc) and onstage.  Or someone like Adele, who is also 22, and has already released two incredibly successful albums.  It makes me feel behind, and I don’t like that.  BUT, I have to remind myself that life is not a race; life is a journey, and we all have our own journey to take.

3) I have feelings for someone.  I’ve had feelings for him for almost two years now.  We kind of discussed it around this time last year when we went on a date-that-wasn’t-a-date-but-kind-of-was.  I point-blank asked him if he was interested, and he didn’t confirm nor deny.  In fact, the way he avoided the question led me to believe he too had/has feelings for me.  Things have progressed considerably over the last year.  We’ve both changed a lot as people, and our relationship with each other has never been more comfortable or amiable.  But along the way, there have been many moments where things felt beyond friendship.  It makes things very confusing.  In fact, there have been at least two moments I can recall that we looked at each other as though a kiss should have happened.  Our body language with each other suggests an intimate bond, yet neither one of us has made a move.  I think he’s attracted to me, but he is too shy to ever initiate it first.  Now we’re apart, and I think about him all the time.  The problem is that I can’t do anything about it until the next time I see him, and who knows how things will be between us then (in a couple of months)?  I have to believe that if there are feelings there, they will still be there.  Right?

I think that’s enough confessing for one night.  Anything else, and I should probably consult a priest (even though I’m not Catholic in the slightest).

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