15: Sweet Dreams Are Made Of This

I have a love/hate relationship with my subconscious, as I think most people do.  My dreams are often interesting and fairly vivid, showing deep, hidden desires.  This is both wonderful and terrible all at the same time, because in dreams, you usually get what you want, but waking up is like a cruel, kick in the stomach.  The realization that what you experienced is not, in fact, real, is beyond disappointing.  Dreams are like drugs, making you feel euphoric.  It becomes an addiction, that feeling.  Reality, in stark contrast, is like shock therapy: jolting your body and brain back into “normalcy.”  It’s bizarre.

Last night, I dreamed about him.  The person I have feelings for.  It’s definitely NOT the first time this has happened, but it’s the first time in a few weeks.  Interestingly enough, I dreamed about him after a very flirtatious text conversation with my temptation.  I don’t know how that happened, but I think it’s a sign.  A similar thing happened before the end of the schoolyear, and I took that as a sign too that as much as I sometimes want to give in to my temptation, I shouldn’t.  I don’t feel the same way about him that I do about the other.

My dream was so vivid and lovely, and I just wanted it to go on forever.  It made me realize how much I miss him and how much I’ve been holding back from him emotionally.  It’s something I’ve been trying work on, being more open with how I feel about things.  It’s actually something he and I have discussed with each other and yet I still haven’t been completely honest with him about how I feel.  Even in my dream, I felt as though I was holding back.  Maybe I have a subconscious block on those emotions?  I don’t know.  All I know is that I have to confront these feelings head on, and I need to tell him how I feel…sooner rather than later.  I want the dream to be real, and that’s the only way to MAKE it real.

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