18 & 19: Stuck in the Middle

Yesterday (Monday) I worked from 4 until closing at the winery.  It wasn’t as busy as we thought it would be for Memorial Weekend, so many times I found myself wandering aimlessly looking for something to do to stay busy.  Let me tell you, folding silverware/napkins and restocking the wine cellar will only last you for so long.

Not being busy DID, however, give me a chance to get to know a few of my coworkers a little better.  Kyle was working shift manager, so I got a little more information about his life story and romantic entanglements (he IS gay, by the way…as if I needed much confirmation).  Another girl named Ebonee was working as well, and I was surprised to learn she is 26 (For the record, she looks a lot younger than that).  As we all talked, I realized just how weird I must seem to other people; okay, maybe not weird, but different.  I never thought I’d be considered “bohemian,” but when I look at myself from the outside, my life does seem to be veering off in that direction.  That doesn’t mean I’m going to stop bathing or start reciting weird poetry, but I know I’ll travel a lot from place to place because of my art and I’m a much better conversationalist about artistic things.

For the millionth time in my life, I realized how stuck I feel when I’m here at home, how disconnected from everyone and everything I am.  I love my family, and I have a few great friends around here, but the truth is, I’m happier when I’m right in the middle of the action.  I thrive off the energy of being around other artists and in an environment that is more artistically driven (hence NYC).  My friends from around here are also leaving and going other places, and eventually, I think my parents will also leave.  I just don’t feel many ties anymore to this place.  Of course, I have many wonderful memories of my childhood, and those I wouldn’t give back for anything in the world, but it’s time to move on.  It’s time.

Like clockwork, my temptation facebook chatted me last night.  The conversation quickly turned to full on innuendoes (as I knew it would), but surprisingly, we also had a long discussion about what’s going on in each other’s lives, relationships or otherwise.  We were both completely truthful, and I was surprised by his candidness about a lot of things.  We have a very interesting friendship.  Obviously, there’s a good amount of sexual attraction there, but because we acknowledge it (and have acted on it), we’re able to be open with each other in a different way.  We both understand that we’re not really romantically attracted to each other, but we care about each other and have fun together.

The funny thing is, every single time I facebook chat with my temptation, I dream about the guy I have feelings for.  It’s like my subconscious wants to keep reminding me that what I really want is not the thing I keep talking to online at night.  Maybe my subconscious is trying to atone for my occasional thoughts of hooking up with said temptation even though we’re not doing anything but talking.

But maybe the fact I’ve considered it is bad enough.  I feel stuck between my physical lust and my real emotional connections.  I’m trying to justify my lust with just maybe having a summer fling, but I think I have too much of a conscience.  I would probably feel guilty for hooking up with someone I don’t have those feelings for when I want to be with someone I DO have feelings for.

I’m sure I’ll probably dream about him again tonight, but I won’t mind in the least.

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