21: I Swear We Were Infinite

Maybe it’s the fact I’m listening to jazz and it’s close to midnight or maybe I’m just really hung up on, well, you know who, but something got me thinking about perfect moments, or at least, moments where you feel infinite.  The future is yours for the taking and the world just seems vast.  I just realized how perfect this one day was that he and I shared a few months ago.

I’m not sure what got me thinking about it today, but I’ve just been thinking about this afternoon we spent together wandering around Greenwich Village over spring break.  Neither of us had really spent any significant amount of time there ever, so we decided to go explore.  I don’t know what it is about the Village, but it’s always been this romantic place in my head.  Maybe it’s the brownstone townhouses and brick streets that zig zag.  Maybe it’s because it’s the place where Bob Dylan created sonic masterpieces of a generation.  Maybe it’s because I listen to so much fucking Simon & Garfunkel.  Whatever the reason, the Village always feels like quintessential New York.

Anyway, we were walking along Bleeker St, just the two of us, laughing while the sounds of a guy playing sax on the street echoed in the background.  Along our walk, we found this hysterically named book shop called the Unimpressive Non-Imperialistic Bargain Book Store (how Greenwich Village!) and went inside.  We weren’t surprised to find a whole section of the tiny shop devoted to Bob Dylan.  We also spotted several copies of the script to Empire Strikes Back, from which we immediately began reading lines aloud, laughing.

We ambled back toward Washington Square Park (one of the prettiest parks in Manhattan, in my opinion), and sat down on the edge of the fountain as a guy played flute and beatboxed at the same time (AWESOME).  We both gave him a dollar.  I only tip street musicians who are either really good or really interesting, and he happened to be both.  All around us, kids were running around playing with their parents, not caring about the chilly weather.  The sounds of traffic hung in the air.  After a few moments of listening to the beatboxing flutist, we moved to a bench on the edge of the park and just sat talking about the future.  Time seemed to stop.  In that instant, I felt as if I could do anything; I felt infinite.  All I wanted to do was keep sitting there on that bench, dreaming about the future while the sights and sounds of New York City surrounded us.  The world felt perfect for those few minutes, just the two of us on that park bench and the gorgeous city of New York.  I could have stayed like that forever.

“…And in that moment, I swear we were infinite.” — the Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky

20: Shuffle Ballchange

Wednesday, I helped my best friend Nicole teach the tap routine I came up with to her students at the dance studio where she teaches.  They were having company auditions tonight, so in addition to helping teach (and choreograph, I might add), I also was a guest judge.  The girls are ages 12-16, and though they’re not quite at the level they should be, they work hard and do pretty well.  It wasn’t the easiest combination, but they stuck with it, and overall, I was pleased with their assimilation and progress.

I never really wanted to be a teacher, but I will say that I genuinely enjoy teaching dance classes.  It forces me to hone in all my creative energy into a structured environment (i.e. an actual class) to make it approachable for others to learn.  I like encouraging others to study and work on their art, especially when it’s something I can actually help with.

That still doesn’t mean I want to be a teacher, oh practical-minded extended family members of mine.

18 & 19: Stuck in the Middle

Yesterday (Monday) I worked from 4 until closing at the winery.  It wasn’t as busy as we thought it would be for Memorial Weekend, so many times I found myself wandering aimlessly looking for something to do to stay busy.  Let me tell you, folding silverware/napkins and restocking the wine cellar will only last you for so long.

Not being busy DID, however, give me a chance to get to know a few of my coworkers a little better.  Kyle was working shift manager, so I got a little more information about his life story and romantic entanglements (he IS gay, by the way…as if I needed much confirmation).  Another girl named Ebonee was working as well, and I was surprised to learn she is 26 (For the record, she looks a lot younger than that).  As we all talked, I realized just how weird I must seem to other people; okay, maybe not weird, but different.  I never thought I’d be considered “bohemian,” but when I look at myself from the outside, my life does seem to be veering off in that direction.  That doesn’t mean I’m going to stop bathing or start reciting weird poetry, but I know I’ll travel a lot from place to place because of my art and I’m a much better conversationalist about artistic things.

For the millionth time in my life, I realized how stuck I feel when I’m here at home, how disconnected from everyone and everything I am.  I love my family, and I have a few great friends around here, but the truth is, I’m happier when I’m right in the middle of the action.  I thrive off the energy of being around other artists and in an environment that is more artistically driven (hence NYC).  My friends from around here are also leaving and going other places, and eventually, I think my parents will also leave.  I just don’t feel many ties anymore to this place.  Of course, I have many wonderful memories of my childhood, and those I wouldn’t give back for anything in the world, but it’s time to move on.  It’s time.

Like clockwork, my temptation facebook chatted me last night.  The conversation quickly turned to full on innuendoes (as I knew it would), but surprisingly, we also had a long discussion about what’s going on in each other’s lives, relationships or otherwise.  We were both completely truthful, and I was surprised by his candidness about a lot of things.  We have a very interesting friendship.  Obviously, there’s a good amount of sexual attraction there, but because we acknowledge it (and have acted on it), we’re able to be open with each other in a different way.  We both understand that we’re not really romantically attracted to each other, but we care about each other and have fun together.

The funny thing is, every single time I facebook chat with my temptation, I dream about the guy I have feelings for.  It’s like my subconscious wants to keep reminding me that what I really want is not the thing I keep talking to online at night.  Maybe my subconscious is trying to atone for my occasional thoughts of hooking up with said temptation even though we’re not doing anything but talking.

But maybe the fact I’ve considered it is bad enough.  I feel stuck between my physical lust and my real emotional connections.  I’m trying to justify my lust with just maybe having a summer fling, but I think I have too much of a conscience.  I would probably feel guilty for hooking up with someone I don’t have those feelings for when I want to be with someone I DO have feelings for.

I’m sure I’ll probably dream about him again tonight, but I won’t mind in the least.